4. Dating

I'm writing this on Valentine's Day.

I've always been a bit blase about Valentine's Day. Whilst it's nice to celebrate a relationship it does have a sense of commercialisation about it now and to be honest if you only celebrate your relationship once a year....

That said I'm not going to rain on anyones parade for being romantic and lovely with their partner.

Being trans 🏳️‍⚧️, dating and relationships are a tad more complex.

The market varies hugely dependent on your status. I know from my experience that the pull from being pre op to post changed 360 degrees. I'm sure you can work out why.

Throw in the variances in sexualities and all the combinations would confuse the most complicated algorithms.

I'm on the record as being bisexual. Not historically but very much in my acquired gender. I find females and males equally attractive. For instance I wouldn't turn down Andrew Garfield any more than Anya Taylor Joy or Gal Gadot over Henry Cavill. I've just realised after typing that there's a heavy superhero leaning. In the interests of balance, honourable mentions go to Brad Pitt, Rob Swire, Trent AA, Lady Gaga, Scarlett Johannson and Ana De Arnas. I am if not varied in my tastes.

Surely this is the point though. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we have no reason to dispute anyone's tastes or desires aside from friendly banter.

None of the above will ever be interested in me....I could only hope....but on a day to day basis, the principle should be no different.

I grew up as is now well documented, hiding who I was. Concurrently I also hid who I was attracted to. Peer pressure is crippling in that respect. You conform because difference wasn't embraced. It was belittled to the point of humiliation. That's wrong...end of.

I was hopeful that times had changed but there remains that undercurrent of conformity especially if you are outside a specific part of society.

I find myself at ease entirely within my community i.e. LGBTQ+ but is that the community in which I'll find my future partner? 

Conversely there are (I know this for a fact) people who would publically or even accidentally identify with or converse with my community but find me attractive and indeed would I suspect like to engage further. Should we let perceived societal restrictions determine your personal happiness?

I fear there remains too many who would seek to restrict others ability of self expression.

Ironically again I know others who from a cursory look express themselves one-way, but deep down have desires another way. It is not a cliché that those who object loudest sometimes have the most to hide.

So how as a society do we resolve this and more importantly how do I resolve the apparent conundrum that my gender identity could be incompatible with parts of my community or those looking in. 

My perception of the solution is two fold.

Firstly regardless of your outward identity, never be afraid of your own expression. You are betraying yourself if you deny yourself what you desire (legal desires only of course). There are plenty of safe spaces on and offline where you can seek out and investigate where you want to be. Never have regrets.

As a subset to that, I can assure you that once you embrace who you are, the world is your oyster. I've been out about 8 years now and I repeatedly look back and ask would I then have predicted what I would be now. No chance but at the same time, my irrational fears were just that....not based in fact and massively blown out of proportion.

To quote Nike ..... Just Do It.

Personally I'm unsure what I can do now. I'm as open as I can be. There aren't any secrets anymore, no public layers to peel. Yes privately I can be much more but that's for interested parties to find out. Isn't part of any attraction finding out more ??

If I portray over confidence then it's not a facade. I'm liberated and it's just a taster of what I am. I'm not shallow nor am I faux. Honesty shouldn't be off-putting should it??

I do a huge amount of things on my own because if I don't, I don't get the experiences or interactions that I crave. The places I've been and the people I've met make me who I am. Hey if you want to join me be my guest....I'd love the company.

Perhaps the signals I put out differ because I'm new to this identity. Unlike most my age I've not had decades of experience and practice. Please forgive me therefore for my inexperience or naivety.

What I have learnt though remains deep down what we all are and desire.... exactly that....it's unique, individual and nothing to be ashamed of despite what others think.

If I leave you with one thought from this....never betray who you are based on the perceptions of others.

In the end...the only person that matters is you and societal perceptions or pressure means nothing.

Be the best you.

Amanda ❤️